A new freedom…. June 30, 2007

Since my last post, I have continued to have horrible bone pain. This pain, coupled with not sleeping, has made for quite an emotional woman. Russ e-mailed Dr. Shiftan on Thursday to let him know how bad I was and asking him about different pain medications. He responded quickly and offered 2 more drugs that might help. The problem I have is the pain medicine make me throw up and doesn’t touch the pain. I try to have a full stomach before I take the meds, but I regret the full stomach once I start throwing up. So I have tried, Tylenol with codeine, vicodine, percoset and darvocet. All of these make me very sick and don’t relieve the pain. So we got the prescription for a new drug, Marinol, called in after a series of events. Apparently Marinol was a triple duplicate medication so we were going to have to wait until Friday morning to drive to San Diego to pick up the prescription, and then take it to a pharmacy and have it ordered. On Thursday afternoon it looked like I would have to deal with the pain for at least another night.  My pharmacist Vijay, who is a very sweet man, looked up the drug and found out the category had been changed to a 3 and that meant the doctor could call it in. He also found a pharmacy that carried it (Costco). So with this great new news we try calling one of my doctors, Karin, to let her know we didnt’ need to wait another day. But it was already 6PM and hard to leave a message. So we called the on-call oncologist and explained everything. Dr. Sally was the Doctor and he also believed you had to have the triple pad but was willing to give it a shot. He called back in minutes and said it’s there you better hurry it closes in 15 minute. So we RACED out of the house to get some new drugs.  I didn’t even grab a hat or scarf. I went in with dark circles under my eyes, pale face and a bald head. I looked terrible! We got the prescription just in the nick of time. I was so happy  and hopeful that maybe this would finally help the pain. There was a little kid screaming to his Mom, “Mommy, Mommy look at that lady!” The Mom was trying to ignore her child and think he would let it go.  She turned and pretended to be distracted. Again the child starts yelling louder. The poor mother is mortified. I had to giggle! Kids are always the ones who are most shocked by my bald head. I think it is cute! The poor Moms I know are terribly embarrassed by their children pointing and yelling at me. I forget I’m bald until someone reacts and then I remember. I used to care a lot about what other people thought about me. It is amazing that now I really don’t care. I have a new sense of drive and focus that I don’t give a second thought about what strangers think of my round head. This is a quality I have always wanted. I have tried all my life to not care what other people thought. But I always cared. I cared a lot.  Even worse, I would worry about what I thought other people thought. I’m sure I put quite a spin on what they were thinking. I could make myself believe people were thinking all kinds of negative things about me. All the things I was most insecure about I was sure they noticed and spent lots of time thinking about my bad qualities. It was SICK and I do know it was a problem. The truth I have found is, it doesn’t matter. Who cares if a stranger might think something about you. Only I know who I am and only I can judge myself. We all have a pile full of trials, and we are all dealing with them in our own ways. So maybe what has changed is the way I look at others. I no longer judge. When I don’t look at others with criticizing eyes I no longer feel or care about what other might be thinking. It is an amazing freedom! This is one of those things I never thought cancer would teach me. I’m becoming mentally stronger and healthier in spite of a body repeatedly going through a process of actively dieing and then recovering.

I took a pill right then. Nothing……….. (more to come)

BONE PAIN June 27, 2007

This is going to be short and sweet.  Well not so sweet.  I’m in terrible pain!  It has been constant since last night around 2am.  I’m a mess!  Russ just lays with me and rubs my back .  That is all I can do.  It’s a very hard, hard, hard day and night.  Bone pain is some of the worst pain a person can feel  It is something you can’t escape or relieve.  That is my quick update. I’m off to lay with my wonderful Hubby!

Good Night

Miracles June 26, 2007

I seem to have a lot of near death experiences happening to me lately. Today I was driving back with Tyler from San Diego after we had finished his counseling session, which was WONDERFUL. He came out smiling and really like the counselor, Cara. She was very impressed with how articulate he is and  how he is able to identify his feelings. I was really pleased that he enjoyed this experience. Then he wanted to have some special Mommy time so we went to eat at TGI Fridays and enjoyed talking all about life. We talked about how he has lots of feeling and they are different all the time. I said I felt the same way, that my feelings were different every day. It was a great conversation, we really bonded. It was a wonderful teaching moment that I will forever treasure. We were on our way home when I saw a semi truck start swerving and then I saw a HUGE pipe fly up from under the semi and hit the semi next to me. The pipe shattered the window of the semi and glass shattered all over my car and then here comes the pipe flying right at my windshield. Like some weird forcefield was surrounding my car, the pipe flew right over the car and landed right behind the car on the freeway. The pipe should have crashed right through my windshield. It was like watching it in slow motion, it was coming right at us and it changed course up and over my car. I have angels out there!!! Some might say luck or timing, but if you had been in that car you too would have seen a miracle. I guess it’s not my time to go. Russ says I’m like the movie, “Final Destination.”

Adam asked me yesterday, “Mommy who is going to take care of me when you die?” It was a very sobering question. I was shocked that my little 4 yr old was thinking about me dieing. I tried to calm his fears and told him I planned on being alive for a very long time and that we don’t know when we are going to die. Everyone is different. But it made me think of how short life is no matter how long we live. What things do I treasure and spend my energy on? Do I feel I have lived my life in a way I would do again? As I reflect and really think about what is most important and what would happen if I died, I want my children to know they are loved. I want them to have a firm foundation in the Lord and have values to be good men. If I do die too soon, I want to leave behind LOVE. Love is what is able to touch our souls and last forever. Love can’t be bought and it will never age or go bad. It is something we all posses in abundance and we can use it freely. We are all very RICH with love.

ALL MY LOVE!

Kids Coping June 25, 2007

As you know Ty has been struggling with me having cancer. I’ve been trying to come up with ways to help him deal with this trial. So I had the kids draw pictures of what my cancer looked like. Then I had them draw the Chemo Super Hero that would destroy the cancer. Adam was delighted with this task. He made this into a book. It is 6 pages and has wonderful pictures of me before I had cancer and me sick. He talks about me shaving my head and missing birthday parties because I’m too sick. He says in his book, “Mommy, I’m sorry you have cancer.” He has earthquakes on every page, that mean “trouble is coming. ” He is very proud of his book and it was a wonderful outlet for him to draw and talk to me about what he is thinking and feeling. Tyler on the other hand didn’t respond as well. This really surprised me. He loves to write books and illustrate them. He was very frustrated at the task and ran off angry and said he was a bad illustrator. Then Russ and I blew up a bunch of balloons. We told the kids the balloons were Mommy’s cancer and they were going to be the chemo. They could kill the chemo any way they wanted. (Note this was a BIG deal b/c I don’t let them play killing games!) So Ty tried hitting the balloons with a sword. They didn’t pop. We told them that cancer is hard to kill and that you need lots of power and teamwork to get it all. So Russ held the balloons and Ty (after a bunch of tentative jumps) finally popped the balloon. Luke was delighted and clapped his hands. Then Ty was excited and popped more. I think it helped the kids visualize what the chemo was doing. They have asked me to play the cancer game many times today. Adam wrote another cancer book. I feel like we are making progress. Tyler and I go to the counselor tomorrow. I hope she has some good suggestions I can use with Tyler.

I’m feeling tired and had bone pain last night. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I went in for acupuncture this morning and I feel much better. The kids and I had a great evening. We took silly pictures with my cell phone and they were rolling with laughter. I had Ty back to normal for a few hours and it melted my heart to see him so happy. It’s amazing how much better I feel when I’m strong for my kids. I find strength and energy I don’t realize I have to be a Mom for them. I’m lucky to be a Mom!!

Sleepy Times June 23, 2007

Well, the one thing I can say about cancer and chemo is that everyone allows you to takes naps without guilt. I have been sleeping a lot the past few days. Sleeping is nice b/c I feel like I’m fast forwarding through some of the yucky side effects. My mouth sores are here right on schedule. I’m feeling some bone pain in my lower back but the mouth sores are winning for pain today. I’m really weak and very tired. On the bright side this was treatment #4 – that seems like such a big # compared to #2 when I thought there was no way I could do it.

Life goes on when you have cancer, nothing seems to hold on. Luke is teething and crabby, Ty is testing boundaries, Adam is collecting bugs and treasures. I’m thankful that I’m not hospitalized and can watch them grow from the couch or my bed. I find I’m more thankful for the small things now. I feel so grateful that I don’t have to tell my children I’m dieing. So many cancer patients have terminal forms of this illness. In all my misery and suffering I do realize how lucky I am that I will be able to watch my children grow up. As I embark on another torcherous week of chemo I’m going to cling to the peace I get knowing this is only temporary. “This too shall pass.”

Swimming Parable June 21, 2007

After Chemo I find myself sleeping a lot and in a very exhausted stage of existence. I was thinking today that chemo is like teaching a child to swim. I have all confidence in my child swimming. I know he can do it. He just has to take that leap of faith and do it. Sometimes the fear is too great and he needs a little push to get him started. I feel like I was thrown into the water without knowing how to swim. I have a ton of people on the sidelines cheering me on. I can feel their energy and faith they have in me. Just like I do when I’m teaching Adam to swim. I clap and call out encouraging words of how to get to the the other side. I see panic, determination, and then he accomplishes it. He reaches the other side. I can see his face clear as day in my mind. He feels triumphant! He has done what he didn’t think he could. Courage, will, and pride are spread across his face. He made it! Only he alone could have done this and ended up with such a powerful feeling of accomplishment within himself. This has set a new foundation for him. He knows that he can do hard things and come out better because of them. I feel that I’m in the middle of the pool floundering. Only I can get to the other side. I know that when I’m done I will also have grown in ways I didn’t think possible. I know that only I myself can do this to reap the rewards of self preservation and all that encompasses. This is a hard swim and much scarier then I imagined. But as I watched my little Adam look at me with fear then make it to the other side I felt this is how my Heavenly Father must feel about me. He knows I can do it and he knows I will be so much stronger because of it. So I’m learning to swim in a different kind of pool: the pool of life. We all have our own pools we are trying to get across. I know that it seems so overwhelming and so far to the other side. I know it can feel so lonely, but only we with all our fans cheering from the side can help get us to the other side. So here is to meeting you at the other side of our pools.

Can’t catch a break!! June 19, 2007

We went into have Chemo this afternoon…. I had to gear myself up for it and go through my night of panic and anxiety. We met with Doctor Shiftan before chemo to discuss how things are going. Then they drew my blood. My good friend Rebekah came down to keep me company. We chatted while they drew my blood and ran the white blood counts. Dr. Shiftan showed up and delivered the bad news. My white blood cells were too low to administer the chemo. They gave me a Nupagine(spell?) shot that boosts the white cell count. I need a HUGE raise in them by tomorrow. They will test my blood again tomorrow and then we will have chemo tomorrow if they have recovered. I’m just SO sad by this. We were hoping that my blood cells would stay up so I wouldn’t need the booster shots which have the horrible side effects. I’m so wiped out! I feel sick. The shot itself burned all the way home. Now I feel ZAPPED of all energy and just kinda feel crummy. The strep throat culture came back positive. I just have all the luck! This really SUCKS! This will change my chemo schedule to Wednesday’s instead of Tuesdays. Well I’m too tired to Type anymore. I’m also just so low about the news. I just can’t seem to catch a break it is just one blow after the next. I know this next cycle will include horrible excruciating bone pain. How do you talk yourself into going to get that? I’m trying to find balance. Between coping with this horrible illness and being there for my family. Today I feel useless I’m just out of everything I have. I hope you all catch a break today and enjoy it to the fullest!!! I’m hoping my lucky break will be here soon. If not I’m going to make it for myself. Wish me luck with happy new cell growing! If we’re not killing them we are growing them. My poor BODY is very confused.

Love to ALL on my failed Chemo Day

Happy Father’s Day June 18, 2007

I feel so blessed that Father’s Day fell on a good weekend! My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for Fathers. I don’t know where I would be in this world without such a wonderful Dad and husband. My Dad is the perfect match for my personality. We mesh perfectly and he has helped mold me into the women I am today. He never stops teaching me valuable life lessons. I’m a Daddy’s girl and always will be.

Russell is the perfect Dad! I could not have written a wish list for a father that would have encompassed all that he is for our boys. Russell loves his boys more then anything and shows it! Our boys are Daddy’s little buddies. They adore their Daddy. So we wanted to do something extra special for him. We decided to get Henna Tattoos to publicly announce our love for him. Getting tattoos with out Russ knowing was quite the secret event to pull off. Around 7:45pm sat night Eric talked Russ into going for a 3 mile run with Ryan and Amberlyn. Russ, the boys and I were in the hot tub at that point. I told Russ that the kids have to go to bed and he needs to leave. My sister was there to help me so he could just go. We got the boys ready in a dash for bed and told Russ that Eric is waiting for him at Albertson’s. I had the older kids get in the van. Russ came down and saw the kids in the van, and I explained that they are cleaning it out. Then Russ leaves. As the garage door is closing I loaded Luke and Mandy loaded Kaylee and we were off to the Car show where they have a Henna tattoo booth. The fair closed at 9pm and it was already 8:15 so we had to run over to the booth hoping to tattoo all 3 of our heads with Father’s day messages. You should have seen us coming up with 5 kids in PJ’s and a bald Mom. We were quite the sight. We got there and found out that the boys have too much hair to do it on their heads, so we had the temporary tattoos put on their arms instead. The boys and I rushed home and prayed Russ was not back from his run. We ran in the house, put a lookout at the front window, and started blow drying the tattoos. I kissed them each good night and told them the suprise plan for the morning. At 3am they woke me up thinking it is time. They woke us up again two additional times at about 5 and 6am. By the time 7 rolled around I was exhausted!! You would have thought it was Christmas Eve. I was so tired I could barely muster the happy father’s day smile. Adam slept in because he was so tired from the all-night suprise attempts. Russ was very ammused by my Tattoo. The boys had made all kinds of homemade treasures for Russ, which he loved.
We took all the Dads in the family to the Del Mar fair. Mandy got me a wheel chair and the whole family took turns pushing me along with the 3 strollers. We were quite a crowed! The fair was very fun and I think everyone afterwards felt as tired as I did. I wish I was back to normal, but no luck! I have a sinus infection that I’m fighting. I’m taking antibiotics and I still have weird feet sores, but at least I was able to feel good enough to enjoy my days. That is what its all about anyways.

We are bringing Ty with us to Chemo tomorrow. He is really struggling. His eyes are blood shot and he has lost his smiles. He is angry and very moody. He’s not the same kid. He told me that when we talk about cancer it makes his stomach hurt, then his head and eyes. He freaked out when we went to a restaurant. He said, “Mom you are going to DIE!” I told him, “No, I wasn’t.” But he said, “There are germs!” My poor little guy also thinks he will get cancer when he grows up. He has lots of interesting questions, such as “am I going to catch cancer?” and “does everyone who goes on a cruise find out they have cancer. ” So many questions. It really breaks my heart! This is by far the hardest thing as a parent to face. We as parents spend so much time and effort protecting our children from the hard things in life. Now here I am the cause of all his pain. This is HARD!

Well I’m done with this novel for this weekends update. Wish me luck at chemo tomorrow! I hope the worst things your kids face is not getting to pick their dinner. I can’t wait for that to be Tyler’s biggest stress in life. Oh I miss the dinner fights:)

I feel Like a Mom! June 15, 2007

Yesterday and today I have felt more like a Mom. I can function at a much more normal pace. I just feel like a Mom with a bad cold and some cramps. Yesterday we had Brenna, Adam’s friend, over to play. That was a wonderful feeling to be able to have another child here for a play date. I know Adam was thrilled! I know to him having a friend here made him feel things were normal again. It’s the small things that have changed in their lives that they notice. One of the big ones is not having friends over her to play. Rhonda came over to help out while Mom went to the Doctor. She was such a HUGE help with my little Luke. She even did the dishes! She is so wonderful! We are lucky to have her.

Today the boys and I enjoyed reading and playing together. They played in the pool and I put a suit on and sat on the steps and they enjoyed showing me all of their tricks. Luke will see me up and around and come walking as fast as he can smiling ear to ear and then squeal with delight when he reaches me and I pick him up. His smile lights up a room. Tonight Tyler is having his cousin over for a sleepover. They are jumping up and down they are so excited.
Today was filled with visits from contractors giving us bids for a new air conditioner and some cement work to the side of our house. I have limited days I feel up to seeing anyone, let alone a bunch of contractors, so I lined them all up one after another. I went in for my acupuncture this morning also. While I was laying there I heard my Mom walk in and ask if I was done b/c my Dad was burned and we had to go get him. They pulled the needles out and off we went to get my Dad. He was working at his property and had pulled off a radiator cap, causing all of the hot water to come shooting out and burn his arm and hand. He said the skin looked like it was melting on his arm. When we got there my brother Kevin had arrived with gauze and burn spray. Then we loaded Dad up and dropped him off at the doctors. Mom found out yesterday that a weird rash that her doctor had frozen a week ago on her leg might be melanoma or a fungus. The fun never stops around here. My parents obviously have taken sympathy pains a little far! I’m really looking forward to a great weekend. I hope each day I start to feel more normal! Have a WONDERFUL weekend full of fun and love!

My Little Boy is Growing Up June 14, 2007

Yesterday was a day filled with abdominal pain and weakness. It was a rough day – I even had to take a nap and lay on the couch most of the day. I needed to get ready for my big outing to Ty’s graduation. I still can’t believe Ty is old enough to be graduating from Kindergarten. It seems just like yesterday I brought him home from the hospital. Life just passes too quickly. Ty is starting to react to my sickness. He is very frustrated that I’m STILL sick. He says, “I want you to be better already!” He is very sensitive and is going over the top on his reactions to small things. Like, for example, Russ and he were playing a golf game and Russ was teasing him and gave him a little push when Ty putted and Ty missed the hole. He came running in screaming that Dad cheated and started crying. He was a mess. He is venting his emotions on other smaller things. Yesterday when he was singing, he just wasn’t himself. Ty is normally my little performer, but he kept putting his head in his hand and wasn’t smiling from ear to ear. He just wasn’t himself. Afterwards he cried and said he did a bad job and was upset about, well…. everything. I guess this morning he asked why I was still sick if I was done with my medicine. Russ had to explain that I wasn’t done with my medicine. I think Chemo is a very hard thing to understand. I have a hard time understanding how horrible it is myself. My heart just breaks when I see this hurt my children. His Mommy, who is a huge part of his foundation, is very weak and sick. He made me promise I wouldn’t die and is loosing faith in what I still can do. Another example of this is when Adam lost a book yesterday and was looking for it. I told Adam to go look in my office. Then we hear Ty telling Adam upstairs, “Mommy doesn’t know where things are anymore – she has cancer.” But the book was in the office and they found it. I think Russ and I need to have a nice date with just Ty. We just are limited on my good days and I wish I had more so I could be better for my kids. This is a very hard reality of cancer. It affects so much more then just the person who has it. Love on your kids!!!! They need you more than you know!