A new freedom…. June 30, 2007

Since my last post, I have continued to have horrible bone pain. This pain, coupled with not sleeping, has made for quite an emotional woman. Russ e-mailed Dr. Shiftan on Thursday to let him know how bad I was and asking him about different pain medications. He responded quickly and offered 2 more drugs that might help. The problem I have is the pain medicine make me throw up and doesn’t touch the pain. I try to have a full stomach before I take the meds, but I regret the full stomach once I start throwing up. So I have tried, Tylenol with codeine, vicodine, percoset and darvocet. All of these make me very sick and don’t relieve the pain. So we got the prescription for a new drug, Marinol, called in after a series of events. Apparently Marinol was a triple duplicate medication so we were going to have to wait until Friday morning to drive to San Diego to pick up the prescription, and then take it to a pharmacy and have it ordered. On Thursday afternoon it looked like I would have to deal with the pain for at least another night.  My pharmacist Vijay, who is a very sweet man, looked up the drug and found out the category had been changed to a 3 and that meant the doctor could call it in. He also found a pharmacy that carried it (Costco). So with this great new news we try calling one of my doctors, Karin, to let her know we didnt’ need to wait another day. But it was already 6PM and hard to leave a message. So we called the on-call oncologist and explained everything. Dr. Sally was the Doctor and he also believed you had to have the triple pad but was willing to give it a shot. He called back in minutes and said it’s there you better hurry it closes in 15 minute. So we RACED out of the house to get some new drugs.  I didn’t even grab a hat or scarf. I went in with dark circles under my eyes, pale face and a bald head. I looked terrible! We got the prescription just in the nick of time. I was so happy  and hopeful that maybe this would finally help the pain. There was a little kid screaming to his Mom, “Mommy, Mommy look at that lady!” The Mom was trying to ignore her child and think he would let it go.  She turned and pretended to be distracted. Again the child starts yelling louder. The poor mother is mortified. I had to giggle! Kids are always the ones who are most shocked by my bald head. I think it is cute! The poor Moms I know are terribly embarrassed by their children pointing and yelling at me. I forget I’m bald until someone reacts and then I remember. I used to care a lot about what other people thought about me. It is amazing that now I really don’t care. I have a new sense of drive and focus that I don’t give a second thought about what strangers think of my round head. This is a quality I have always wanted. I have tried all my life to not care what other people thought. But I always cared. I cared a lot.  Even worse, I would worry about what I thought other people thought. I’m sure I put quite a spin on what they were thinking. I could make myself believe people were thinking all kinds of negative things about me. All the things I was most insecure about I was sure they noticed and spent lots of time thinking about my bad qualities. It was SICK and I do know it was a problem. The truth I have found is, it doesn’t matter. Who cares if a stranger might think something about you. Only I know who I am and only I can judge myself. We all have a pile full of trials, and we are all dealing with them in our own ways. So maybe what has changed is the way I look at others. I no longer judge. When I don’t look at others with criticizing eyes I no longer feel or care about what other might be thinking. It is an amazing freedom! This is one of those things I never thought cancer would teach me. I’m becoming mentally stronger and healthier in spite of a body repeatedly going through a process of actively dieing and then recovering.

I took a pill right then. Nothing……….. (more to come)