#7 Chemo July 31, 2007

I’m about to embark upon my downward slope! I didn’t think this day would come. I’m on # 7 which is so AMAZING!! It seems like yesterday it was #2 and I didn’t think I could do it one more time. It is amazing what we can do and go through and live to tell about it. Life sends us so many curve balls, some of which we just don’t think we can handle. But day by day we just survive and do the best we can and hope to come out a better person in spite of the trial. Wish me luck on #7.  I hope this one is smooth sailing! Please enjoy your day and take time to appreciate how wonderful life can be. Take a deep breath of air and scoop up your children and love them!

Weekend Madness July 30, 2007

This weekend was filled with fun and excitement. I hope you get to spend your days filling them with family and fun. I went to the indoor skydiving wind tunnel in Paris, for Eric’s birthday. It was so much fun. It didn’t give you the adrenaline rush like sky diving. But I felt more in control and less scared so I was able to enjoy the feeling of free falling better. Tyler was a natural and had such a big smile on his face as he did it. He loved it wants to do it again for his birthday. We took my brother’s boat out on the lake Saturday. We had a great time. Luke is a little fish. He can swim around everywhere with his floaty on. He pushes you away if you try and help him, he is so independent. My in-laws just got in late last night after a canceled flight on Saturday. We are so excited they are here. It will be quite the adventure for them the next 2 weeks. They will need a vacation after this.

My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for all those who have helped carry me through this trial. It really takes a village to raise a child, and I feel you are my village and we are taking this trial head on. I’m just humbled by the out pour of love. It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of service. My heart could just burst from the love I feel for each of you. I can feel all the prayers and thoughts strengthen me when I don’t think I can go on any more. Thank you so much for being here with me. Just knowing I’m not alone is so comforting. I have grown in so many ways from the love I feel. Thank you for the bottom of my heart for making this journey smoother.

All my LOVE!!!

Susan

I’m getting there July 25, 2007

Adam had a rough night last night. He woke up from terrible nightmares and wet the bed (He comes in almost every night and sleeps on our bedroom floor). This morning he woke up in a panic, crawled into my bed, and asked, “Mommy is the cancer growing?” I put my hand on his face to calm him and said, “No sweetie, it is shrinking.” He was so upset, he had a terrible morning and was crying in Russell’s arms before he left for work. It broke my heart! I decided to go with my Mom to pick him up from summer camp. I thought it might ease his mind to see me up and active. Tyler on the way home asked if he could do something and Adam replied, “No Tyler, we have to go home and watch Mommy – she has cancer.” AHHH, my little boy thinks he needs to watch me! This is killing me! I just want to wrap them in my arms and take away all their worries. But I haven’t been able to relieve there fears. To see my little ones scared is as awful as chemo.  Tyler daily wraps his arms around my neck and says, “Mommy, promise you will stay with me forever!” Luke has replaced me with my Mom. He goes to her as if she is Mommy. I keep reminding him I carried him for 7 1/2 months and raised him the 1st year of his life, but he still cries for my Mom and runs to her for comfort. He’s so darn cute and charming with his infectious smile. I could watch him dance and try to jump for hours. He makes my afternoons so wonderful! I do know this will help build character for my kids. I just hate that it is such a hard road they have to experience. I hope your days are filled with smooth roads ahead. I know my good days are right around the corner. Go kiss your sweet kids and love them for who they are!

Some people have all the luck July 24, 2007

Russ took me out for date night which was a wonderful change of pace. As I was walking a stick jabbed its way into my toe and was stuck in my shoe. This was a long twig that had fallen from a tree. I stumbled and Russ looked over to see what happened. He couldn’t hold back the laugh as he pulled the stick out of my sandal. It left behind a nice sliver I had to pick out. Russ was laughing and I had to laugh and just shake my head in disbelief of my luck. Outside this same mall shopping center a little bird swooped down and pecked my head not too long ago. I seem to be able to attract weird things my way. It is almost comical. Some days that is all we can do is laugh. I’m laughing still that this is my life. It has been a case of cases for my oncologist. He just gets to shake his head and smile because I’m a never ending amazement with possibilities of side effects. I am the 1% they always include at the end of drug commercials. This makes me able to relate to so many more people now. I can honestly say now, “Yes I know exactly how that feels.” This experience is molding me so I can now relate on a more intimate level to so many more people. I now know pain, despair, loneliness, hope, love, friendship and so many more I could go on all night. I’m in boot camp for experiences in life. I just don’t recall enlisting. Enjoy your night!

New delights July 24, 2007

I have terrible bone pain down my legs and in my shins.  This has been very uncomfortable and makes me limp.  I’m having hot flashes!  I never thought I would have hot flashes at 28.  I’ve been very depressed this round.  I’m very frustrated that my body isn’t responding well this time.  I’m in constant war with my body and some how I need to figure out how to connect and agree on level playing field.  Cancer sucks and Chemo sucks even more.  It is so hard and very depressing at times.  I’m so tired literally and mentally of these cycles.  Time seems to be in slow motion.  I’ve slept allot which is good because then I don’t have to be awake and suffer through the day.  There is a weird smell in my house.  I smelled this last time.  I can’t find the source.  I think it may be me smelling something in me.  I have this weird taste in my mouth that to me tastes like chemo.  It is awful and makes all the wonderful food I eat taste funny.  I hope the pain is gone tomorrow and I can move on with my good days.

I have a funny thing Tyler said to Russ this evening.  Tyler came into Russell’s office and asked, “Dad who made God?”  Russ said, “I don’t know son, no one does.”  Then Ty said, “well why don’t you look it up?”  Russ said, “because no one knows the answer.”  Then Tyler said, “Not even Google?”

My kids can always make me laugh!  We are so blessed to have children!

Suprises July 21, 2007

My Dad gave me quite the long lecture yesterday. He was very frustrated that I wasn’t taking any drugs to alleviate the side effects. He didn’t understand why I would just suffer through them when there has been billions of dollars spent making drugs to help with them. I tried pleading my case that I hate the side effects of the drugs also. He didn’t seem to care. Apparently it is much worse for the people around me to watch me be sick then for me to feel weird taking the medication. He hounded me for a 1/2 hour until he got a commitment to take something. NEVER in my life would I have imagined my father pressuring me into taking drugs. NEVER! This goes down in the books of the weird things that happen to me since I’ve had cancer. The drug side effects were less this time. I felt a little weird then I got hungry which was good. When I went to bed I flt like I was floating and it was a weird sensation. I was able to sleep allot. Today my eyes are still blurry. I call them chemo eyes. It feels like I have a film in my eyes I can’t blink off. Everything is a little blurry. I’m still fighting nausea and weakness. Ty just asked if I was feeling better yet. He really wants to go and do something. This was a really hard Chemo session for him. I know it kills Tyler to see me sick. He feels so helpless to make me better. He is so sensitive and wants me not to suffer. I hate that he has this burden on his shoulders. He says the most random things. We were reading the old testament together and his cousin asked why were reading the scriptures. Ty said, “because Mom is going to die!” I just had to shake my head wondering if he is saying things to get a reaction or that he needs to hear from me I’m not going to die. So I said, “Ty I’m going to die one day but I don’t plan on dieing anytime soon.” He has brought me dieing up on lots of occasions. I think it is on his mind. Last night he gave me a kiss and said he had made a wish that I would be better soon. I hope his wish comes true. I will be working hard today on making Tyler’s wish come true…..

Just can’t stop… July 19, 2007

The Chemo was awful this round! I started throwing up during it. Just the thought of the Chemo makes me nauseous. I can’t keep food or water down. Mom took me down yesterday to have a bag of IV fluids. I threw up the whole way home. It has been a rough couple days. I slept with my red cup in my hands so I didn’t have to jump up to the restroom every few minutes. I’m very tired and I feel horrible! Wish I had a more pleasant update but that is where I’m at this round. The mouth sores are starting, my eye brows and eye lashes are thinning out. Much love to all!

Monday Woes July 16, 2007

I feel as if I was just here. Here we are again the day before Chemo. I’m filled with trepidation and fear. Every Chemo brings me new experiences. This last round was wonderful in comparison to all the others. I’m crossing my fingers I get to have as many good days this next round. Russ hates the Monday before Chemo because I’m so moody. By the time night rolls around I’m a mess of emotions. It takes everything in me to get the courage to go back in. I can’t explain how awful it is to finally feel normal and know that tomorrow I will have to go through it all again. I am overwhelmed with the knowledge I have as to what’s to come. I’m building up pain tolerance. I’m amazed at how far I have come dealing with the side effects. I’m half way there after tomorrow’s Chemo. That is such a wonderful mark. On the same note, I feel like I have been fighting this forever. I know my kids are very anxious for me to be better. I wish I was filled with great thoughts today but I’ m truly scared and sick. Chemo is the greatest legal torture I can think of. I took my health for granted all these years. I procrastinated doing things that should have been a bigger priority. My life is now filled with things that are all that really matter in life. Each moment I can, I express my love for my family. Life can be taken away too fast and too sudden to let these moments slip by. I asked Tyler today if he knew I loved him. He smiled and said , “yes.” I said do you know why? He shrugged his shoulders and said, ” Because I’m your oldest son.” Then I covered him with kisses and told him I loved him more than anything and I would always love him no matter what. His eyes were so happy and he giggled as I kissed his face. His eyes in that moment are etched in my heart forever. I want these moments to fill my life and to be able to look back at my life and it to be filled with love. I hope your day is a wonderful one! Enjoy it for me!

Living Life July 13, 2007

I feel very blessed this Chemo round.  I have had allot of good days.  My kids are so excited that I’m driving and up and around they keep asking if I’m all better.  Adam was asking me how many days I had left of being sick.  So I counted the months on my fingers and explained after Christmas I should be better.  Then he said maybe Santa can bring you a present that can make you all better.  Ty jumped on me and said he was going to squeeze the cancer out of me.  Then he told me he was going to be with me forever even when I died and went to heaven.  They are funny little boys who I adore.  It’s so fun being a Mom and doing all the many jobs that requires.  I think being a Mom in full health is a big job.  I’m finding more joy in Motherhood now then ever before.  I just treasure the days I can play and feel up to making lunches and having playdates.  I have pushed myself quite hard the past 2 days that I think it is catching up to me.  I’m SO tired today that I’m going to go lay down while Luke naps.  Have a wonderful day!

A day by the pool July 11, 2007

Today was wonderful!  I did the dishes, laundry, cleaned out the garage and our back patio.  I felt so productive and amazed I could do this all.  I had a friend up from San Diego with her three girls and we went swimming.  I was able to teach her 3 yr old to swim which she was so excited about it made my day.  The best news is my kids are home.  They got in around 6pm.  They were not half as excited as I was.  Luke refused to acknowledge me.  He would come close then walk away.  He was making me pay for not seeing him for 2 weeks.  Ty and Adam took off my hat to see if I was still bald.  Then Adam asked if I still had cancer.  He wanted to know how many days I had left of having cancer. They all warmed up after an hour and gave me lots of love.  I’m just so happy to have my house full of noise and chaos.  I feel so complete when they are here.  My heart is so full.  I just love a full house it makes me HAPPY!  I’m the luckiest MOM in the world!