Monday Woes July 16, 2007

I feel as if I was just here. Here we are again the day before Chemo. I’m filled with trepidation and fear. Every Chemo brings me new experiences. This last round was wonderful in comparison to all the others. I’m crossing my fingers I get to have as many good days this next round. Russ hates the Monday before Chemo because I’m so moody. By the time night rolls around I’m a mess of emotions. It takes everything in me to get the courage to go back in. I can’t explain how awful it is to finally feel normal and know that tomorrow I will have to go through it all again. I am overwhelmed with the knowledge I have as to what’s to come. I’m building up pain tolerance. I’m amazed at how far I have come dealing with the side effects. I’m half way there after tomorrow’s Chemo. That is such a wonderful mark. On the same note, I feel like I have been fighting this forever. I know my kids are very anxious for me to be better. I wish I was filled with great thoughts today but I’ m truly scared and sick. Chemo is the greatest legal torture I can think of. I took my health for granted all these years. I procrastinated doing things that should have been a bigger priority. My life is now filled with things that are all that really matter in life. Each moment I can, I express my love for my family. Life can be taken away too fast and too sudden to let these moments slip by. I asked Tyler today if he knew I loved him. He smiled and said , “yes.” I said do you know why? He shrugged his shoulders and said, ” Because I’m your oldest son.” Then I covered him with kisses and told him I loved him more than anything and I would always love him no matter what. His eyes were so happy and he giggled as I kissed his face. His eyes in that moment are etched in my heart forever. I want these moments to fill my life and to be able to look back at my life and it to be filled with love. I hope your day is a wonderful one! Enjoy it for me!