Life is precious August 30, 2007

There seems to be a theme to my life these past 6 months. Life is so precious and can be taken away in seconds. When I was in Montana, I was able to see Melody, who was like my second Mom when I was growing up. She had a daughter, Megan, that is my age and we were best friends. Six years ago Megan was killed in a car accident leaving behind her 3 little girls. Her girls are the same ages as my boys. So as I was playing and joking around with the girls I was moved to tears realizing just how fast life can be taken away. This scene I was in could so easily be my story if the cancer had killed me. I can’t explain how moved I was by this experience.

Then this morning I woke up to find this e-mail from my brother:

Tonight around 1:30 I put the trash from the shop in the back of the truck and drove around behind to the dumpster, same ole… as I thew the trash in the bin and turned around there was 2 Mexican men, one holding a knife and yelling in a think accent. It was not clear what he was saying, but it was clear what he wanted. Without hesitating, I handed him my cash, but something I did when I handed it to him startled him and he lunged at me. We proceeded to fight and ended up on the ground. When I let up, the guy ran. This all happened very fast and lots of the details were lost with adrenaline . I was cut on my back and legs, my knuckles and arms suffered as well. The cops were there in minutes and were very helpful, they understood my lack of health insurance and they helped patch me up with their emergency kits (keeping in mind how stubborn I am about doctors, of course they wanted me to go to the hospital). Luckily, I was not stabbed and my cuts were primarily from the broken glass on the ground that we were wrestling in.

As my adrenaline is wearing off, I am reflecting on how mortal we are. I have been running around so fast the last few months I have not had time to remember that. Tonight was the closest I have come to death, and with that I realize how much I want to live and not take for granted the things I have. My family are the most amazing people I know, my friends are true friends that have a piece of my heart, I am surrounded by good people and good things, and my life in general is amazing . Thank you all for making my life what it is.

For all the horrible side effects chemo offers me daily, I truly am blessed to be alive and enjoying my family.

Progress August 28, 2007

Here are some of the scans that Susan’s Oncologist showed us today. It’s very apparent that the cancer is losing the battle!



The videos don't seem to want to embed into the Blog tonight, so for now you can see the video clips here and here

I’m Back!!! August 27, 2007

I had a wonderful time in Montana. It was much needed escape. Everything was beautiful and relaxing. I had a wonderful visit with my Dad.

Cancer is not just a physical battle is it a HUGE mental battle. I felt as if I was loosing it before I left. I had this overwhelming guilt hit me. I just couldn’t bare to be such a burden to all those around me. It is so hard for me to accept that I will be sick until January. It is hard to pill to swallow being the dependent one. But one day soon I will be back to independent! I’m thrilled to pieces that the cancer is not growing! I’m also devastated I still have to go in and have 4 more treatments plus 5-7 weeks of radiation 5 days a week. It is of course Monday which means I’m gearing up to go back in tomorrow. We meet with Dr. Shiftan in the morning and go over the PET Scan results. I’m going to try and negotiate less chemos for good behavior. Wish me luck with that!!!

Dr. Shiftan Says… August 21, 2007

We just got an email from the Oncologist. Here’s the entire body of the email: “Susan, the results are great! The lymph nodes are significantly smaller and are no longer metabolically active! Great news!” Sounds like the cancer is dead.

Susan’s plane had mechanical errors last night, causing her to miss her connecting flight in Seattle. She made the best of the situation, though, and spent the night and part of today with one of her best friends who lives in Seattle. She made it to Montana safely tonight and is thrilled to be sleeping in a really girly room in her parent’s Montana retreat.

Time for a PET Scan August 19, 2007

I have my PET Scan set up for 12:30 tomorrow. This is the scan where they wear vests and put radioactive material into my veins to light up the cancer cells. I will be radioactive tomorrow and once again I won’t be able to be around the kids for 24 hours. I gave them extra hugs & kisses tonight to last through tomorrow. We also joked that this might give me super powers. Ty was annoyed that this was happening and said, “Yea like super cancer growing powers!” I got him to smile when I told him I would like to have superhero powers to know if he was ever naughty or happy! He doesn’t like it when he can’t snuggle with me. I’m glad we were able to prepare him this time. Last time we had no idea that I wouldn’t be able to hug the kids so it was more of a shock. So if you happen to see my kids tomorrow give then some extra love from me. This morning I was a mess of emotions. I really had a lot of anxiety about tomorrow. It is really scary to know you are going in to see if your cancer is shrinking or growing. It’s the moment of truth. You hope with all your heart it’s gone, but in the back of your head all you hear is the million stories of people dying from cancer. It’s amazing how many people are affected by cancer. It seems everyone knows someone who has had it or died from it. The anxiety can be overwhelming. All the thoughts of what I will do if the results are bad are going through my mind. I try so hard to push them out and stay positive but in the quiet moments it’s hard to keep the thoughts at bay. I like to prepare for things. I need to prepare either way for the results. The last time I had a PET scan was an hour after surgery and the results were overwhelming. So it didn’t leave me with the greatest feelings. I have to get an IV b/c they can’t use the port. The IV alone is awful due to my small collapsing veins. So say a prayer they find a vein the 1st try! I hope to know the results sometime this next week or it may not be until next Tuesday. I will post the video of my last PET scan this week so you can see the cool 3D views of my cancer. (I think it would be WAY cooler if it wasn’t MY body.) Wish me luck tomorrow!

The weekend begins August 18, 2007

Last night was another doozie!  But I’m mentally ready to try mind over matter.  I did some yoga this morning and I’ve done some laundry.  Feeling productive always boosts my spirits.  I’ve got an awesome family that is great for distractions.  I’m up for a day trying to just ignore my back and this cold that is plaguing me.

Now for funny things my kids do:

Adam yesterday asked me, “do reindeer really fly?”  Russ and I had just talked about not lying to the kids so I was circling the question.  I said, “Well Adam what do you think?”  He said, “well I think Yes.”  I said, ” ok then that answers your questions. ” He said,  “Mom will you answer me?”  I again said well Adam what do you think.  Then he said, “Mommy this is getting complicated!”  So I discovered my 4 year old can’t be fooled.  He knows when I avoid questions.  I have my hands full with Adam and Tyler and there deep thoughts.  Tyler has lost, I think 6 teeth now.  The Tooth Fairy has consistently with every tooth forgot to leave money under his pillow the 1st night.  We have chalked this up to Tyler sleeps different places every night so she has a hard time finding him.  Last night the Tooth Fairy came and thought she had left 4 quarters.  But I was informed by Tyler this morning that the tooth fairy left 3 quarters and one nickel.  He laughed a little as we discussed that the Tooth Fairy probably thought the nickel was a quarter but it was a nickel.  I’m really happy Tyler is very forgiving of the Tooth Fairy.

Enjoy your weekend!  I’ll be fighting the mental fight and hope I win.

Always different August 17, 2007

So this round is awful!  I’m trying to figure out why some weeks are better then others.  I’m wondering if it has to do with a full cycle of chemo.  A full round of chemo is actually 2 sessions for me.  If they gave me the full does of chemo I would probably die so they break it up in 2 infusions.   I just finished 8 infusions but it was my 4 cycle.  Does that make sense?  This last infusion was the 2nd part of my 4th cycle.  I think the 2nd half of chemo wipes me out.  It seems to be far worse then the 1st one.  That is the only thing I can seem to link it to.  My muscles are killing me.  They feel like they are filled to the rim with chemo and are hard as rocks.  It is so horrible to sleep.  I woke up every five minutes last night just to be reminded  that I have  a million  muscles that are in terrible pain!  Russ put me in the massage chair b-4 he left this morning.  That seemed to help a bit.  I’m crossing my fingers this day will only get better and I can just breath the toxins out of my body and move on to brighter days.  I hope you all enjoy your Friday!

Bad Night Worse morning August 16, 2007

Have you ever woken up and wished you never had. That is how I feel this morning. I wish I could just be knocked out for the next couple days! I feel pretty darn crummy! My tongue is pure white and I have terrible cramps and I feel sick from the inside out. I was wrestles light night because all my muscles hurt so bad I couldn’t stay in one position. I’m going in to acupuncture at 3:30. I need a full work over. My lower back is killing me! This is me wishing for warp speed ahead!

Misery August 15, 2007

I have to pre warn you I’m on ambiean and may not make allot of sense tonight.  I had my wonderful neulasta shot today.  YEAY bone pain will soon be here.  It wipes me out afterwards.  I feel sick from my head to my toes and I want to curl up and not wake up until the good days are here.  But I get too hot or cold to stay asleep.  I’m really not a big fan of chemo besides the fact it saves my life.  I seem to have a love hate relationship with it.  I’m so grateful this is almost over!  4 more time seems like and eternity today.  It seems overwhelming when I”m in the pits of the torture.  I hope you all sleep well tonight and enjoy your energy tomorrow.  I’ll think of you from my cave room of recovery.

Chemo 8 August 14, 2007

WOW I’m glad that is over with. OR it’s just beginning……

At least I did it, and that is the important part. Yes, I’m tired and I feel like crap. I have a fever and I have a husband that has my cold and is feeling horrible. 2 sickos in the house. Mom is busy disinfecting everything.

Well I have so many subjects to talk about….

WARNING: JUST HAD CHEMO AND HAVE MANY DRUGS IN ME!!! THIS IS A HORMONAL POST

How about weight. So I was thinking with Chemo I would shrink to a size 2 and be the thinnest ever. In the back of every women’s head is this deranged woman always wanting to be thinner. I don’t think there has ever been a woman who has looked at herself and said with all honesty, ” Wow, I look too thin.” See, women are programmed to want to be thin because thin means attractive. So I was hoping in my sick little mind for a short period in my life I could lay claim to a size 2. Well, No luck. I’m still a 4-6. My weight fluctuates. I get really sad when it goes up. I was so proud of my weight watchers (before cancer) weight loss. See I’m still messed up in my head. I’m tying to find cool side effects of cancer, but to my dismay they give me a steroid shot each time that bloats me.  BUMMER .  I know you are all wondering why I don’t look sickly yet. I know you are waiting for my skin to turn gray and look saggy. But if you have read my blog I’m good and going against the norm. So I’ll look perky the whole way. Plus it helps that I only eat comfort food. Why waste your time eating things that don’t taste good? I say enjoy what you eat while you can. This is for cancer patients of course. I don’t want any dieters to fall off the wagon from my suggestions. I just crave foods like I did when I was pregnant. Smells set me off and I’m moody & I get charlie horses. This also could be due to the lack of periods and onset of menopause. Apparently my legs were running in my sleep last night. Russ threw pillows at them, but to no effect – I didn’t even notice. I have no recollection of this. So I’m either pregnant or in menopause. HUM…….. Should we take a vote of guesses??????