We began the morning driving to Sharp to pick up the copies of the PET scan b/c the radiology Oncologist didn’t have them. Then back up the Escondido (30 min drive each way) to deliver them to her for the apt, only to find out they didn’t copy both scans. So we don’t have a definative plan for my radiation treatment yet. You see, I’m once again a special case. I don’t fit all the perfect requirements to have radiation. But I do have bulky masses. Dr. Coleman, my radiology oncologist, is going to look at the other scans and talk to her associates, Dr. Shiftan and some doctors at Standford to see what they think. This is a very hard call. If I do get radiation there is a much higher chance I can get breast, lung, heart, skin and/or throat cancer b/c where they have to shoot the radiation. I also have a chance that I will loose the function of my thyroid and have to take meds the rest of my life. There will be permanent scarring in my lungs. If I don’t get the radiation, I may get lymphoma again. This is a VERY hard decision. The side effects of radiation are so scary. I don’t have a good track record of beating the odds. Now we are just going to wait and see what all the doctors think. If we do go ahead with radiation I will start the week of Nov 11th and will go 5 days a week for 4 weeks. That is one less week then I had mentally prepared for so that is good news already.
Chemo was AWFUL!!! I started throwing up in a bucket as soon as Judy pushed the A drug into my IV. I felt just horrible for the poople next to me watching this happen. I think one of the women there it was her 1st time. That must have been hard to see. Plus, when I see someone throw up I know it makes me do the same. But I couldn’t run to the bathroom b/c Judy had to finished pushing the drug. So I just sat there and kept throwing up in the bucket. It was hard to do that in front of everyone. I don’t like to throw up in front of anyone. After Judy was done pushing the drug and I was back to the bag of IV chemo I ran the bathroom. Then I just stayed right outside the door so I could go back in and throw up. It was a really rough round for me. I feel so sick and yucky. I hate it when your body is taken over by this horrible chemo force and you can’t seem to escape it. Even when I dream it seems to find me. I can’t wait for my last chemo. What a huge party we should throw. It is a party celebrating life and the blessing this truly is to have another shot at living it to the fullest. It is a great opportunity to learn and become better because of it. I pray with all my heart that I have learned what I need to from this and never have to repeat cancer. When people say, “Cancer sucks!” It doesn’t even begin to do it justice. Cancer rips the life out of you and breaks you down so that you wish you could die just to escape the pain. It also shows you humility, love and compassion for others in a way you would have never guessed. To be a Mother is such an honor. For all the times I’m stressed out by my little ones I do remember how truly lucky I am to be alive. I would not trade any hard stressed out crazy Mommy days to go through cancer. I will forever feel greatful and humbled by the fact that I will live and be able to watch, rear and love my boys. I can’t think of a greater gift I could have been given. Life is precious and so fragile. Life is not defined by our trials, but how we handle them. I hope tonight you take a moment and really appreciate your life and how wonderful it is to be here.
