I’m so tired and weak I didn’t think I would be this tired. I can feel the boys cold coming on and I’m praying It doesn’t get bad. That was the doctors fear was I would catch something when my counts are so low and it will turn bad on me quickly. It is frustrating to me because I want so badly to go back to my normal life. I’m trying to fake it until I make it for now. I ran errands, attened play group took Luke to the Doctors & had the car looked at. The nice part of today was I didn’t have to get radiated or poked or proded. It was amazing! I’m so looking forward to the day I wake up and truly feel normal again. There is joy in the smallest things like just feeling normal. Maybe Tyler & Adam’s Christmas wish will come true and Santa will make me better for my present.
All Done???? November 28, 2007
YEAY!!!!!! Radiation is over and I only had to throw up on the last day. I guess I got out of there just in the nick of time. I have a nice burn on my skin that feels like a bad sunburn. I also have a nice cold thanks to all the wonderful little munchkins that have been sharing their sweet germs with me. I have surgery to remove the port scheduled for next week – then we will start healing.
I’m so happy and thrilled that the treatment process it finally over. Thank you to all for being there for me through this. I love you!!!
BIG DAY!!!! November 27, 2007
Tomorrow is my last day of radiation!!! Can you believe it? I am still slapping myself in disbelief that this day has arrived. The road seemed so unattainable at times. What a journey this has been. I know this is the end of a long road of treatments and the new start in recovering. It is quite mind boggling to think that they kill your body hoping to kill the cancer first before they kill you. I feel like I’m a walking zombie, but at least I’m alive!!! I’m so happy to finally be at the finish line. What an amazing thing that is. To be totally honest, I’m scared in the back of my head that it isn’t over. I feel horribly guilty but I do worry that I will go in and they will find something and tell me it’s not quite over. I feel so strange feeling that. I thought I would be so overwhelmed with joy, but I feel cautiously optimistic. This could be due to the fact that I’m still so tired and burned and weak from the treatments that I don’t feel like it is the end tomorrow. I’m surprised by my feelings, but they are what they are. I’m so filled with emotions that maybe tomorrow or the next day it will truly sink in that this is over. Life is so precious and short and I’m so blessed to be alive. I’m so honored and humbled by this experience and how much it has made me grow.
Team Lymphomania November 25, 2007
The 10K has been accomplished!!! I found so many parallels during the marathon with my journey through cancer. As I watched some take on the run at full speed I remember that is how I felt at the beginning when I found out I had cancer. I wanted to beat this at full force. While I watched others give everything they had to pull to the end, even though they were sore, hurting, nauseous from the experience, and swearing they would never again do this. I too feel this way about chemo. It took everything and more to pull through it. I felt every pain and sickness this world had to throw at me. While I watched some who were feeling so triumphant for accomplishing this marathon – I too feel triumphant to have beaten cancer. I saw others walk back after finishing the race to help others make it. Some just walked with us to give us company. This was one of the most moving of the things I watched. When there is nothing in the world you think you can do for someone who is suffering, the one thing you can always offer is company and just being there for them through there own personal trial. It was the most amazing and wonderful gesture of love. Watching so many people run a marathon who would never normally even walk a mile to show their love for me was so moving. I watched a range of feeling and physical elements take place because of this marathon. In some way each person who ran that marathon experienced a part of what my journey has felt like. I’m moved to tears by all the love I felt as I was pushed in a jogging stroller for a 10k marathon. This was the first time I was physically carried though this challenge. I’m so proud and happy that everyone finished and I felt so encompassed by love. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful support group of friends and family that have helped me through my own marathon of life. Team Lymphomania will forever hold a very special place in my heart! Thank you so much for all your love!!!!
Rocky Road November 19, 2007
I wish I could say this post was about rocky road ice cream but it’s not. Each day seems to bring me new side effects that seem to make the others seem like a piece of cake. On Sunday they gave my liquid morphine so I could get some relief. The throat pain was so bad I couldn’t drink or eat. Well as you know, pain meds and I don’t mix well together. So I spent the rest of the day throwing up and sick as a dog. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts to throw up when your throat hurts too much to swallow. I was really dehydrated as you can imagine. It was a very rough day yesterday! The OBGYN placed an IUD this morning they hope that will solve the bleeding issue. They took more blood to see if my counts are going up at all. I have a nice little sunburn showing me where they are radiating. I find it amazing that each day I get through I feel like I’ve accomplished a HUGE feat. Some days are much harder then others. I’m surprised by how much I forget the old side effects when I’m faced with new ones. It seems like I just need to take on each new day and deal with only those things I can that day and hope the next day will be better. I guess that is allot like life we can only deal with things we face each and every day. Each day we get a chance to start fresh and hope that it will get better or we can cope with what we face. Life can be like rocky road ice cream it can be delicious or a bit rocky. But in the end I have to say rocky road it is an acquired taste I will soon learn to love. 
Where oh where? November 16, 2007
Where oh where have my blogger friends gone, where oh where can you be?
Fun Other stuff November 16, 2007
Well they decided to put me on triple birth control pills to stop the bleeding and have me scheduled for a hormone IUD to be placed next week. I think it is all kind of amusing seeing how Russell has already had a vasectomy. But all this stuff is for the bleeding problem not to prevent pregnancies. My blood counts are still really low they took more blood yesterday and are hoping they will start to climb back up. My throat is really sore and raw, it is a terrible pain you can’t escape because you have to swallow and even breathing hurts to breath too deep. With the MASS amount of hormones they are giving me I apologize now for any craziness that may follow in the next few weeks. I’m going to be a bit hormonal. You may want to give Russ and the family extra love. POOR GUYS!!!! We like to keep the family entertained around here
Let our burdens go…. November 14, 2007
I got this e-mail and it seemed to say exactly how I’m feeling:
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a
glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this glass of water? “
Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.
The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It
depends on how long you try to hold it.”
“If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an
hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day,
you’ll have to call an ambulance.”
“In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the
heavier it becomes.”
He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we
carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”
“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and
rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on
with the burden. “
“So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down.
Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.”
I can’t seem to put my burden down. Oh how I wish I had a day off. Radiation is getting increasingly worse each day. My throat is killing me and it really hurts to swallow. They found I have a Hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary. Funny thing is when I had a cyst b-4 I was TERRIBLE pain but I’m in so much pain other places it is just a drop in the bucket. I bet I could have a baby right now and not really notice. Amazing how much your pain tolerance changes through rough times. Maybe radiation is turning me into a super hero with amazing strength.
Blood Work November 14, 2007
Here is the blood work from yesterday. I guess I’m not passing the tests like I hope I would. so much for staying up all night studying. They took more blood yesterday to determine if I’m going to need a platelet transfusion today. Always fun times around here. I’m really dizzy and weak and I really can’t stand that thing in my throat. It is getting bigger and so hard to swallow. I’ve got lots of family around to help which makes this thing allot easier to handle. I had an ultrasound yesterday and will find out the results today. I’m so thankful for all the little miracles going on around me. I can’t tell you how many people have helped at last minute driving kids to and from places or picking them p for the day to play. you not only lighten my burden but enhance my little boys life so much. That you so much for being a safe village to help raise my children in.
Trust November 12, 2007
I have had the opportunity to put trust in total strangers lately, to trust them with my life. To them, I’m just another patient. But I’ve never experienced anything like this before. You meet with the doctor go over in length what is going to happen for your plan. You begin to have a trusting relationship with this doctor. Then you find that she is nowhere to be found during all the radiation. I have 2 strangers in the room with me and they are now in charge. I just thought maybe we could have been introduced ahead of time? I don’t know. It’s unnerving to have strangers doing everything and I just wanted to make sure My doctor was there overseeing this. She is the one I trust and knows me. She must care? But what I have noticed is that as I begin to have a relationship with the radiologist techs, I find my self having less anxiety. My trust is growing as the relationship grows. Now these two strangers are becoming friends and people who I believe care about me. So Today I walked into the radiation center expecting to see my usual techs and guess what, 2 totally different people. AHHHHHHHH! Just when I think I’m getting this trust thing going and they switch things up on me. I had an Appointment with Dr. Coleman today, but she is gone for the week, so I guess I meet with her partner (another stranger). I just keep wondering if anyone in their office knows me as an individual? Or does the computer system do all the work? So who you trust and how you trust them seems to have a whole new light for me. No Pun intended.
I’m officially not in menopause anymore. Just when I passed the 7 month mark with no period (YEAY!), I start hemorraging. Had to go to the OBGYN and lab for blood work and go in for an ultrasound tomorrow. They are calling it Menorrhagia for now. They are going to look for a cut on one of my ovaries tomorrow. I always have exciting things happening. If you are ever bored just take a look at my blog and you could wish for one of my days. They are always non-stop adventures.
I’m having trouble swallowing now. If feels like there is a chip stuck in my throat when I swallow or when air tries to come up. Very strange feeling. I don’t think I ever gave much thought to how nice it is to swallow things. So tonight enjoy drinking and eating and notice how wonderful it feels going down. You will appreciate the small things more.
