Life is full December 19, 2007

My life has really picked up the pace.  I feel like I’m a whole new woman.  I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to have my life back.  The joy is overwhelming.  Just being able to enjoy the crazy days with the kids and hustle and bustle of the holiday season is the greatest gift!  Yesterday was the first day I have felt like I really beat cancer.  The port is out and I’m not in pain and I don’t have to take any more medications.  YEAY!!!!  It is such relief, like a huge lingering cloud has been lifted from my shoulders.  Everything seems  better and I feel like I’ve been given a new life.  What a blessing it is to be able to live and not be in constant pain.  I feel the freedom to plan things and know that I will be able to do them.  I have felt so trapped by this disease.  I never knew if I would feel well enough or when I did plan something fun I would get some horrible side effect prevent me from going.  It is like being freed from prison and the opportunities are endless.  This is going to be the best Christmas ever.  I have the gift of health and a new perspective on how precious and wonderful each day we have here is.  I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.  You have blessed my life in ways that are so profound.  The support and love that I have been surrounded with through this battle has helped me win the fight.  Love is the greatest gift and I feel an overwhelming abundance of it.  Thank you, each & everyone of you who have taken a part silent or vocal in this journey.

Merry Christmas!

Ports coming out!! December 17, 2007

My Port is scheduled to come out tomorrow morning at 9am. I’m scared and glad to get it out. I thought it hurt going in!  I hope it hurts less coming out. My cough is still here and my stress level has not yet settled. Maybe this week will be better. LOL A week before Christmas, who am I kidding. Well, I’m up just wasting time, b/c who can sleep the night before surgery? I know I sure can’t. Well have a wonderful time tomorrow and enjoy bending your arm for me.

My Cough is still lingering December 15, 2007

I can feel it rumbling and crackling right in the area they radiated. I wonder if it is related? My toothaches have finally subsided. They felt horrible for a week there. I wanted them all ripped out to relieve the pain, but we are back to teeth feeling normal now. I’m just wanting for my energy to bounce back. I wonder if I will even recognise what it feels like since it’s been so long since I’ve felt energy. I have humbled myself enough to know I can’t do this alone – I need help. As much as I selfishly would like to have my Mom live with me forever, I know she needs to move on with her life and start the next chapter with my Dad. She has spent the past 3 years unselfishly talking care of me and my kids through miscarriages, bed rest and now cancer. I will never be able to repay that debt. She is the wind beneath my wings. It will be impossible to replace my Mom!!!

We are now looking for a Nanny, well more like a Mrs. Doubtfire. They can live in or out. I just know I can’t do this alone. I’m too weak and sick to get back to my healthy state without help. One of the causes of reoccurring cancer is stress. So as much as I want to be a super Mom and do it all, I owe it to my family to ask for help. I’m in a very weird mental stage in this cancer journey. I’m still crossing my fingers that all is clear and in the small window of time before we get the official results all I can do is lap up all the fun freedom I can while I have it. I feel like it is binging. I’m so afraid I won’t have it again so, I want to do it all and not miss a beat. But my body has a different agenda. It is still suffering the pains of being almost killed. I didn’t think I would have such a mental battle at this point. I thought the hard part was over. I guess now the new part is redefining my life, priorities and learning my lessons of how to ask for help. That is such a tough one for me. But seems to be the running theme through this. So this is me bearing my very imperfect soul to the world and letting you know that I’m struggling. I’m also actively trying to figure out what is best for my family. So I guess I will leave you with these very wise words, “Calgon, Take Me away!!!”

How do you slow down when all you want is to speed up December 12, 2007

Being sick and unable to run your life is like being in a prison.  As soon as you are let out all you can do is feel overwhelmed and lap up every moment of freedom you can.  This is suppose to be my week to become somewhat normal.  Now I will have you know I’m holding WAY back as to what I really want to do.  I have had a week filled with wonderful activities that have kept me feeling alive!  Now my dear loving family wants me to stay home and rest.  They want me to get better.  I truly understand this, but being at home resting is stressful.  It makes me have panic attacks.  I feel like I’ve had chemo all over.  I can’t mentally stand being at home resting when I know I’ve been so much worse.  Taking away my fun things I have planned is like punishing me.  I know I’m tired I know I’m coughing and not getting better.  But what would help more than grounding me is help.  I need my life back as much as I do my health.  I need friendships and I need to feel like I’m contributing in some way.  There has to be a way to get better and also have a life.  I’m looking for ideas.

Ready or not here I come….. December 11, 2007

I have been thrown back into action. It has been a whirlwind. I love being a HUGE part of my boys lives and being around for those special moments when they want to talk and I can instill some little bits of wisdom in their minds. I also am crashing as fast as I’m going. I’m trying to fake it in the most noble sense b/c I’m so tired of being sick. I so want my independence back. I want so bad to just be back to normal. I’m going to go start my second round of antibiotics and hopefully that will help. I can’t eat much because it’s still hard to swallow and the coughing just makes me throw up anyways.  I’m pretty dizzy and have fallen a few times.  Mom is still not up and around – she is in a lot of pain. So, as far as our house, we are in bad shape around here. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! Anyone want to come and take care of us for the season I’m praying each day that when I wake up I will feel a little better. Soon I hope to be in full swing, then watch out! For now I’m trying to pick the things I spend my energy on very carefully. I don’t have any to spare so a lot is getting neglected. But what I know is being a Mom to my boys and a wife is #1 – everything else can wait. It’s the holidays and so the craziness has just begun…….

Insomnia December 6, 2007

I’m having such a hard time sleeping. This seems so strange b/c physically I’m exhausted. I can’t seem to quiet my mind down. It seems to race at night. I go from thinking about blood work to loading the dish washer, books I’ve read, what to cook, am I in remission, all the questions I forgot to ask, errands I need to run, solving problems all with in minutes. I just can’t seem to just relax and sleep. I feel alive and I’m so thankful I’m able to start filling my calendar with activities again. It is really wonderful to look at your calendar and have fun things to look forward to. For along time now all my calendar included was chemo, radiation, doctors, pet scans, blood work ect… I feel so happy I have things to look forward to now. It is the little things like calendars, buying a Christmas tree, hanging lights & picking up my kids from school that seem to make me giddy. What fun it is to feel freedom and not be so controlled by a disease.

Kaden My Nephew December 5, 2007

Hairs coming in December 4, 2007

I now am wearing my new short hair without scarves. So if you see me don’t be too shocked. My Dad likes to call me his little gay boy. He likes to rub my head b/c the hair is soft and reminds him of a bunny. Always leave it to Dad to build up your self esteem. I get a lot more looks now then I did when I was bald. When I was bald people would look away as if they were seeing me naked. Now they stare, I’m sure wondering if I chose this hair style. It is fun to watch people’s reactions.

Mom is back from the hospital. She is sore and hobbling around but isn’t in terrible pain like before.

I had a chest x-ray this morning and I should know the results tomorrow. The moles we are going to just watch them and see if they change shapes or turn black. This nice itchy rash we are going to try and mix some cortisone and litromen and see if that helps. When I went to the doctor and the doors opened it smelled like chemo and it made me sick. All the memories came rushing back with one whiff. The amazing thing is that no matter how sick or tired I may feel I feel 100% better then I did after chemo. So I’m counting my blessings. I’m so overjoyed that today I didn’t get poked or prodded or fried. I left the hospital without throwing up. I felt so happy and filled with relief that I don’t have to go through this any more. What a blessing it is to be DONE!!!

Me and my nephew Caleb. His hair is longer but I think mine is thicker.

Surprises December 3, 2007

It seems like a lifetime ago has passed since radiation. It is amazing how fast my life went back into action. I was able to give Tyler a birthday party on Friday and Sat. He had a few friends over for a Harry Potter sleep over. We did potions, grew dragons, made slime, tattoos, decorated wands and made chocolate dipped wands. It was quite a full night. Tyler was so happy his Mommy was able to do his party – it meant a lot to him. I think I faked feeling good so he had no idea how hard it was for me.

My Mom went into the hospital yesterday after she was up all night with horrible pain. I sat up with her and gave her medicine and ice. It was nice to take care of her for a change. She has a 7mm kidney stone and some kind of infection making her have chills and shake. She will have the stone removed tonight. I’m glad she isn’t in horrible pain with the IV drugs.

My cold has turned into something not good. I’m coughing up green stuff and my chest is crackling. I have strange moles popping up that are different colors and some are bleeding. Not a very good sign. I also now have that rash back that was super itchy that went away when they started chemo & now has decided to return. But all in all I’m better then I was during chemo. It’s funny how much your scale of what is good or bad changes after you have gone through chemo.