I know, I’ve been terrible this past week posting. Times just flies when you are having fun! We are going to have a PET-CT next Thursday and get to the bottom of this lump. I’m optimistic and glad to be getting some answers. So we will find out more after Thursday. I’m so tired by the end of the day! I’m out of words. I just need to collapse. So I will just post to let you know the quick and dirty update. I hope you are filling your days with lots of joy! Just being alive is fun! I do really love life and the MANY fun and not so fun parts of the day. When it all boils down I would take the day full of stress and messes over a day of fighting for my life hands down. So when I’m stressed I just take a deep breath in and appreciate how nice it feels to not be in pain! Then I have my new perspective back in place. Have a wonderful night!
Caught it February 16, 2008
I guess the cold was inevitable. I finally have the cold and I’m loosing my voice now. I’m praying that is why the lump behind my ear is much larger then yesterday and you can now see it if I turn my head. I just can’t stand it when weird things happen like this. I want to be positive and believe it’s nothing but I have this little voice in the back of my head wondering if I should be slightly worried. I think it might be this cold bug wearing on my positive vibes. I know when I get tired or don’t feel really well I get a little more moody. Well I think my kids might say it’s more then a little, but I’m the author here. 
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I know I’ve enjoyed all my family time. Our never ending back yard BBQ was completed today. 5 long months of drama and we are finished. YEAY!!! It’s the little mile stones in life that keep you going. We all need something to look forward too. So remember to look for something excited for you in the future. It will change your whole mood.
Oh on a side note Russ got his hair cut so my hair is now officially longer then his. What an exciting day!
Didn’t impress the doctor February 15, 2008
So Dr. Shiftan wasn’t impressed with my lumps. We will do a scan in April to make sure nothing is growing back. He is confident that cancer is in the past and my lymph nodes are just doing crazy things do to all the chemo and radiation. Also It could be a sign of me getting sick or fighting something off. So this is good news. I will just keep an eye on them and we will find out in April we have the free and clear feeling. Thank you all for your prayers and good vibes today! I’m off to take more new born photos. So excited!!!!
Loves,
Susan
Here is one from last night I love !
LOVE February 15, 2008
I thought I would write a little about love for the Holiday. I have to say Im so blessed to feel so much love pouring in from the ends of the earth. Strangers are now friends from this blog. It is a powerful thing to be able to open up publicly about a very personal struggle. I come here to find peace and strength. As we go down once again to the oncologist today I know Russell’s mind is spinning! He just got his wife back. I’ve been going full bore and really living up every moment. That is all we can do. The future is always unknown. I feel that there will always be some little hurtles along the way but I’m confident I can get through them with all the support I feel.
My husband is the most amazing man. He has been such a trooper through all of this. He as been able to take on so many roles and learn to adjust to a VERY moody wife. He still finds the humor in the most terrible moments and we seem to get through them together. Last night I was talking to the babysitter about marriage. I said one of the most important things in a marriage is how you can deal with stress and conflict. I was telling her it was important to fight before you get married so you can then know how the other one reacts and if you are able to work through it with out hurting the other person. When stress comes and it will…your marriage has to be able to cope and build each-other up in the worse of times. This is what defines a strong marriage. Not how people do in good times but in the worsts of times. That is when there true character comes out. Russ is my rock and he can make me feel better just with his touch. I can see the love in his eyes and even in the most stressful moments he still builds me up. I’m so blessed and lucky to have my perfect Prince charming. I LOVE YOU SWEET HEART!!
Tired February 13, 2008
I’m just waiting until Friday to find out about the lumps. Yes I did find another one. I’m hoping they are just due to being sick or becoming sick. I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day. I know this is a great Holiday to be able to tell everyone how much you love them. I will let you know when I know the updates. I wish I had more to say but I’m fighting being so darn tired and having a million Mommy things to get done. Have a wonderful DAY!!!
Found a new lump February 10, 2008
I found a new lump this evening. It is behind my ear. It is hard and feels different then the other side. I’m surprised that I’m not freaking out. I’ll e-mail the doctor tomorrow. The truth is I’m just to tired to get to upset. I just can’t believe how tired I am lately. It feels horrible! The mornings are the worse. It takes everything in my to crawl out of bed. I will feel okay after my shower then and hour later I could crawl up and go back to sleep. So frustrating to be so tired. Well I’ll let you know if there is any new developments with the lump. Enjoy your evening! I know I will love sleeping.
More blood February 8, 2008
I got the blood results back today. My white blood count, platelets and neutrophils are all low still. Kinda a bummer! I met with a new OBGYN today to go over the never ending bleeding issue. I told him my concerns and all my issues with hormones and such. He said I’m expecting too much out of myself. I need to remember it takes time for my body to get back to normal after so much has happened. I know that logically, but emotionally I want it all better NOW so I can move on with life. He did an ultrasound to check out the uterus and ovaries. He found 6-7 cysts on each ovary and a very small uterus. He said it was amazing that such a small uterus can cause so much trouble. After talking about many options that ranged from doing nothing to a hysterectomy, I think I have decided to go ahead with this procedure:
Endometrial Ablations…this is an outpatient procedure designed to reduce the amount of menstrual bleeding. A simple scope is placed through the cervix and the endometrial cavity is viewed. The lining of the endometrium is then destroyed by thermal injury. This can be done with a roller ball, laser, thermal ballon, net like bipolar cautery, microwave, or cryoinsult. The result is dramatic reduction in menstrual bleeding.
Having no break in bleeding since October I think this is the best solution for me. I’m tired of all the hormone side effects from the IUD and pills. I would love to get back to normal if there is such a thing. I have to say I had a bit of an emotional day. I was so tired!!! I took a nap and feel a bit better. Just hard to go into doctors and be reminded of all the things that are scary. I’ve been enjoying my bliss of forgetting and it caught up to me today. I had a reality check. So I’m hoping tomorrow will begin a new week of forgetful bliss.
This is my beautiful niece! I had to show her off. I’m back into my photography and loving every minute of it. This is one of my new favorites!
Pain Tolerance February 7, 2008
So as you know, all my hair is growing back.. Well, I was kinda getting use to it being gone. So I decided after weeks of talking myself into it to go and get waxed. I was scared out of my mind. One b/c I thought I would be totally embarrassed and 2 for pain. (Yes I can still be embarrassed even after the radiation episode.) So I went in… the warm wax went on and then the first rip! I held my breath. I was so shocked! It really didn’t hurt 1/2 has bad as I pictured. I mean, I have had allot worse pain, and this was less then the chemo needle going in. So my new and fabulous TMI announcement is my pain threshold is amazing!!! If I can get through a full wax and not be too phased, I’m just tickled pink. I feel like celebrating about my new found powers! So my family can no longer ever call me a wimp. If they do I will gladly have them waxed.
Sorry no pictures of this one! LOL
What I do with my days….. February 6, 2008
If you have ever meet Luke then that is enough said. If you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting my youngest then here is a little glimpse of a day with Luke:
Wakes up crawls into our bed after Tyler gets in out of the crib. He crawls over our faces kicks us in the stomach as he crawls around looking for something. Then as the topper, nails Russ in the head with a remote he finds. Mornings usually consist of putting him in the shower with us so we can keep an eye on him. Then we have the morning breakfast which means we have to get a new outfit after we spill whatever the other boys are drinking. He then throws food to the dog. Keeping up with Luke is never ending, he runs from one thing to another just looking for things to open, pull off take out ect….
My days are filled with cleaning up spilled food, drinks, play-dough, crayons, fixing broken toys taping riped art projects and changing diapers. Bored is not a word I have in my vocabulary. Luke is also a great example of the Lord’s sense of humor. It is just amusing that I had Luke sent at this time in my life. He takes more energy to watch then 3 healthy adults have in them. But here I am laughing because that is all I can do is laugh with this never ending energy filled little boy. If you haven’t chuckled yet then you will be delighted to know he isn’t even 2 yet!! Yes I haven’t even begun the terrible 2’s. If I didn’t laugh I think I would cry. What Luke has done since I’ve started typing:
Dumped the box of goldfish and danced in them crushing them into tiny little crumbs. Fell and hit his face, had to get a kiss sat on my lap, got a pen and wrote all over me and my bills. Went to the toys dumped 3 boxes of newly organized toys. Then to the book shelf to find me a book so I could read to him and took half the books off the shelf. Ran into Adam’s room took all the CD’s out and that made Adam cry. Came turned off my computer so I lost some of my work. He has now headed down stairs after grabbing one of my frames on the way and throwing it.
I know it’s been awhile…. February 4, 2008
The truth is, I think I ran out of words. I was in a funk and I just didn’t know what to say. I think there must be this interim period after cancer where you don’t want to jinx or believe too much that it is really over. I find myself living up every minute and hoping it won’t all change again. I get moments of anxiety when I smell something or see a picture that triggers all those old feelings. I feel so blessed to be done. I also feel a great amount of guilt that I made it through. I know that may seem backwards but when I see those around me that have been battling this along side of me, die, or not get any better my heart just aches for them. I wish I could give some of my healing to them. I know how discouraging it can be. I went to the funeral of a dear friend who lost her battle to cancer. It is overwhelming to see how deadly this disease is. What a horrible and awful thing this can be. As I ramble I guess you can see why I have been in a funk.
I went to the doctors today. They are testing me for thyroid, anemia, lymphoma markers, oh and my estrogen levels. No scan is scheduled. I’m having weird dizzy spells and have fallen a few times. My eyes seeing blurry spots. My wrists are killing me might be arthritis caused by all of this. My skin has been really sensitive to touch. The only way I can describe it is having a really bad sunburn. Still having bleeding issues along with cramps. Having some night sweats and exhaustion again. Besides that I’m wonderful!
My days are filled with wonderful play dates and photo-shoots. I love seeing my calendar filled with fun activities again. I feel truly blessed to have made it through this. I’m reminded daily as I see others still suffering how miracles happen in our lives. I seem to notice so many little things. Like how wonderful the rain smells and how much I love to feel the wind in my hair. I love being able to put mascara on my new eye lashes. Life is sweeter then I remember it. If there is one thing I want to always remember from this, it is: to take the time to appreciate all we have. No matter where we are in life, no matter how much we have or want, our lives are so full. They are filled to the brim with amazing abilities and experiences. Each breath we take in pain free is an amazing freedom. Enjoy the sun and the smell of fresh cut grass. Just take time to notice how much you have and you will feel better no matter what you current state is. Have a wonderful day counting your many blessings!
