Waiting April 8, 2008

The biopsy spot

The biopsy was yesterday. There seemed to be allot of confusion as to what we were doing. That doesn’t make you feel very comfortable. Everyone upstairs where I was admitted thought they were putting me under and the actual procedure would take 1-1.5 hours. When we finally get wheeled down the the radiology dept they explain it is going to take about 10 mins. They are going to just give me pain meds and maybe a twilight drug. Boy the story kept changing. Then the radiologist said he wasn’t going to do it if he didn’t see it on the scan. So they took pics and came back in. I asked my nurse if they saw it he said yes. Next the room was changing and I felt drugs. YUCK! The radiologist came in and started numbing the area. HE didn’t like to talk much. I always feel more at ease if they talk me through what is going on. I hate it when you hear and feel things but have no idea what it is. I didn’t like his bedside manner. I think maybe he doesn’t have to deal with patient very often so he wasn’t use to it. Any ways he stuck some thing in that clicked like gears and this happened 3-4 times. It stung a bit but the drugs really did take the edge off. Then I went back to the room where I now got to feel the drug effects. I was so sick! I did throw up and that helped. But I just hate that feeling. I now have a swollen lump that is growing behind my ear that is hot and making my ear really hurt. I’m having horrible pains in my head and I feel very sick. I’ve e-mailed and called the docs to see if this is normal. I hope you have had a fun interesting day. I know I sure like to keep things happening!

Scared April 6, 2008

I go in for the biopsy tomorrow morning.  As you all sleep in I will be in the hospital.   So dream pleasant dreams for me.  I’m really scared b/c I read on another persons Hodgkin’s site that he had a lump come back and all the scans & blood work came back negative for Hodgkin’s.  So he thought well it is just a silly little bump.  They did a needle biopsy and it came back as Hodgkin’s.  So now I’m scared.  I hate reading things I really shouldn’t.  Wish me luck.  My parents are here to get me.  They will take me to the hospital in the morning.

Flu is back April 4, 2008

Russ came home from work feeling really sick. He tried to say it was my waffles I made him this morning. But the rest of us are fine. KNOCK ON WOOD! He is throwing up and has a fever. I feel terrible for him. Just watching him in misery brings back all those memories. YUCK! Man I feel so blessed to be past that.

It is such a an amazing feeling to be healthy. Just watching others I know still fighting their battle tugs at my heart strings. I can feel the pain and remember all the internal turmoil you go through while trying to hold it all together. To be free of that life is such an amazing and overwhelming feeling. I wonder if soldiers feel this way. So relived and happy to be home but feel the guilt of leaving others behind. It is a bitter sweet feeling. You feel conflicted. These are very personal and raw feelings I’m sharing. I write them down so others that have gone through cancer or are still going through it might know they are not the only ones. Or maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Who knows? But this is just the real candid me. I’m realizing the after effects from cancer are very real. The mental battle doesn’t end with the treatments. It seems to all catch up and then we have to learn how to adjust to our new life experiences. This applies to every major event in our lives. Allowing ourselves to go through the emotions is an important part of the healing.

Another Joke or was it???? April 3, 2008

I’m scheduled to have a needle biopsy on Monday. I thought it was going to be a small little in and out visit. I guess not I get admitted to the hospital and put under and the whole sha-bang. 6-8 hours I’ll be there. CRAZY!

Oh I forgot one more thing that happened on April 1st. Dr. Jackson’s office called to give me the phone numbers to call for my biopsy. Then she said, “I see also you have a kidney transplant that is needed.” I said, “Uh…you have the wrong patient.” She said, “This is Susan Jeide Right?” Yes, but I don’t have any kidney issues I had cancer. Then she was really confused as to why my chart read all this stuff. She was really apologetic and said, “Can I call you back?” Needless to say I didn’t hear back from her. I think maybe someone was playing a joke on her. I HOPE, and not some error in my charts. Can you imagine me going in for a needle biopsy and coming out with out a kidney? Thought you might get a kick out of that.

April Fool’s Day April 1, 2008

You know you must be well again when you get fooled multiple times during the day.  My dear sweet well not so sweet brother Eric is the ring master.  He posted on the

:http://dysfunctionalinlaws.wordpress.com

this post:

1. Susan Jeide said,

   March 31, 2008 at 10:18 pm · Edit

   I just got off the phone with Mandy and she has some great news!!!
   It’s not my place to say though, but I think it’s worth everyone hearing it. So call her today and congratulate her and her family I’m sure she will love to hear from you all!!!
   Love Susan.
   Her cell number is 760-271-2939 FYI she wakes up at 5:30 with the baby, so the earlier the better to call and hear her awesome news.

Now I didn’t write this post.  He just made it look like I did.  Then this morning he made calls to all the family members telling them to call Mandy and congratulate her.  Needless to say she was less then amused by this joke.  So I thought it was Eric’s turn to get the brunt of the joke.  I called Ryan and asked for ideas.  Then we came up with me meeting Eric for lunch and while we were in the restaurant Ryan use the spare key and steal Eric’s car leaving it at Eric’s house to find after he goes through the whole process of filing a stolen car report.  So all goes according to plan I thought.  Eric has me take him to the Police station and then to the DMV.  I”m feeling bad at this point and call Ryan to say this was too far.  Then Ryan starts backing out saying it wasn’t his idea.  Anyways Eric walks back out and has written backwards April Fool’s Day on the DMV sheet.  SO Ryan double Crossed me and told Eric and they played me.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!  I was double crossed!!!!  Dirty little scoundrels.  So I end the day defeated and once again I didn’t pull one on Eric.
I hope you had a day full of laughs.

Uhh By Da Way March 31, 2008

Luke has come up with his own version of the English language. He is going to teach us a new language instead of conforming to the same language we all fluently speak. His new sentence he says is, “Uh, by da way.” Translations: The Insy Weensy Spider or just spider also works for this. Everyday we are starting to hear words out of his babbling we are so excited and then soon discover the word that we all know in English that is is saying really means some totally different. I think this fits his personality to a T. Luke is obsessed with putting his finger in his nose.  I thought I was a clever Mom and said, Luke don’t put your fingers in your nose or a spider will bite your finger.”  Luke now he is searching for a, “by da way,” up his nose. He runs around saying, “by da way, by da way,” while shoving his finger so high in his nose that he makes it bleed. That was a very BAD Mommy move. Then this evening at a wonderful family dinner where 2 of the 3 children had already had time outs.  Adam asks Russ, “where does Ham comes from.” Russ so eloquently says at our dinner table, “A pigs butt.” Guess what new words little Luke starts chanting? Yes, you got it, “Pigs Butt, Pigs Butt.” I don’t let the children say butt I would rather they say bottom or bum. Now here at my wonderful family dinner all I can hear is the chiming of Pigs Butt. (This is when being the only girl in the family is very apparent.)  My sweet dear husband has found a new way to completely embarrass his wife. Because you know tomorrow out in public my little Luke will show off his new words. Oh you just got to love this!!!

Easter Fun March 26, 2008

We went to AZ for a family reunion. We camped at a place called “Dancing Apache” (or just “DA”). It was lots of fun. The kids enjoyed jumping in the freezing river, shooting bow and arrows and just playing with their cousins. It was great to see all the family and catch up on things. Most of all I was so happy to be able to be there. It was a blessing that my health is back and I can go and do fun things. I love to go on vacation. Now, my definition of vacation with my little Luke has changed. I don’t have any rest and relaxation if he is involved. He is good at keeping me active and going. I do love nap time……:)

Adam’s REAL b-day was yesterday. We went to Sea World with our good friend Rachelle. It was lots of fun until we had this fabulous idea to take the kids to PF Chang’s after a long day at the park. We waited and waited to be seated. It was around 8 b-4 we sat down. I’m sure you can picture the melt downs. It was awful!!! We all left exhausted and vowed never ever to make that mistake again. Adam loved all of his b-day’s fake and real. He is enjoying all of his Puppies. I think I will post pictures of them and have you guess there names. That would be a fun game.

Adam March 20, 2008

My sweet little Adam is turning 5 years old. I can’t believe that our little guy is so big! 5 seems so old to me!

We had a leprechaun visit our house after Tyler spent hours setting the perfect trap for him. He tested and re-tested his trap dozens of time to make sure there would be no injury to the Leprechaun. The Leprechaun made a mess of the house and turned the milk a greenish blue and left a note and a picture for the boys. They were so thrilled and excited – they have shown everyone! Tyler had his three wishes already planned out for when he caught the Leprechaun.

Tyler’s Wishes

1. To be Harry Potter

2. To have Hogwarts

3. Diagon Alley

Tyler shared his wishes with Adam as they were going to sleep. Adam starts crying hysterically. He was a mess when he came into the room. He couldn’t even get the words out to explain to Russ what he was crying about. Finally Russ got him to calm down enough to hear the problem. He said that Tyler was going to wish to be Harry Potter. If that happened, then Tyler wouldn’t be in our family anymore. Then he started crying more. Russ reassured Adam that Tyler would stay in our family even if he was Harry Potter. Then Adam went back to bed where Tyler said he would wish Adam could be Ron so they could be together and Leia the dog could be Hermione. It was the sweetest thing!!!

Adam had his Doggie party today. He was thrilled to pieces and was sure this was the best party ever!! He loves it when Mommy throws parties. He now has 18 doggies which he loves. The names crack me up they are always:

Doggie, Brownie, Sleepy, Fuzzy, Army anything that describes what the dog looks like. It is very funny. This goes along with Adam’s thought process. When he gets to choose a name for things it is descriptive . For example, at school one day he was tasked with picking an Indian name. His teachers suggest names like walking turtle, black bear, etc. Adam picked “Indian Adam.” If you have a rubber duck, it’s name would be Duckie. Thinking about Adam’s names cracks me up. He is so literal. His real b-day is the 25th we did it early b/c of Easter and such. So he is calling his party a fake b-day party. When he tells you about his party it is, “at my fake b-day” we did such and such. He is adorable and I just cherish him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Confused March 20, 2008

So I talked to Dr. Snyder, who is a very kind man. He did tell me that if there was something behind the walls or inside the lining of my colon he would not be able to see it. He also explained how very rare it is to see Hodgkin’s go into the GI tract. I really do understand what rare means. I also know that I’m really good at being rare. So that doesn’t ease my mind. Karin also called to confirm Dr. Snyder’s thoughts.

Here are my concerns:

Positive PET scan

MRI shows thickening and an a-symmetry to it

So this tells me the PET was not a False Positive

I verified that a biopsy would not come back positive if it was taken in the wrong area

This THING could be in an area they can’t see

Me waiting to see if it eats through the lining and causes bleeding seems ludicrous! I would like to catch things b-4 they do damage. I would like to be proactive and save me the pain of going through Chemo and Radiation again.

I want to catch things at the earliest stages to prevent any chance of me having to go through chemo again. So I want to be 100% sure that this could not be cancer of any kind. I don’t care if we just ruled out one type of cancer but I want to make sure it isn’t any kind. My mind is not at ease that it is nothing. I am willing to wait and take the antibiotic and see if it is inflammation. Then if there is something still there in a month from now I think we should figure out what the heck it is b-4 it gets me fighting for my life again.

That is my little rant for the night.

Latest Update March 19, 2008

I was waiting for more answers before I posted but I will let you know what I know. The Biopsy came back Negative For Lymphoma. YEAY!!! The MRI shows an a-symmetrical thickening of the wall. So I’m not sure why 2 scans come back and show something and the biopsy shows nothing. Could this mean the things they are seeing in the scans are behind the lining where they can’t see? I’m not really sure. They are going to do a follow up MRI in a few months to see what is happening. I don’t feel like I can say I’m relived b/c I still feel sceptical. Maybe that is just part of the feelings you have after going through cancer. I would feel better if I had a clean scan. I talked to Michelle who is a nurse last night and she said go live up the next 3 months. Stressing won’t change anything it will only be worse on your body. Just live it up until they tell you something more. That is much easier said then done. I don’t know how to turn off the little voice in the back of my head. But I do a very good job keeping so busy that I don’t have time to think about it. At night when I have quiet time is when all the worries come rushing in. But what can I do? I am at the mercy of time and I know some things just take patience. Patience needs to be my new best friend. Patience is the word that has caused so much PAIN in my life. Maybe if I just embrace this concept with a loving heart then I will find peace. Patience in situations like this seems like torture me not bring peace. But this is me breathing and hoping to become one with patience. So everyone BREATH………